3 subtle reasons why responsibility is a trap

... and what to do instead.

Hi, it’s Ethan.

Hope you’re having a good day so far. I just arrived in Sebastopol, CA, USA for segment 8 of my NeuroHorizons training with Sylvia Shordike.

Enjoy these 3 short vignettes about compulsive responsibility and some alternatives.

Estimated read time: 1 minute 23 seconds.

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1/ When my dad was dying, I laid myself on the floor next to his bed listening to his breathing.
I listened so hard to his breathing I forgot my own.

Is he still alive?

I was so afraid of what would happen next that I lost myself (reason #1 responsibility is a trap).

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2/ I once had a close friend who struggled with drink.
When I first found out, I assumed I could help.

Over time I developed a set of responsibilities for myself.
I’ll hold things together if he blacks out.
I’ll pick up his kid from school.
I’ll make him food and try to get his blood sugar back on track.

It took me a while to see it was a trap.
But then I realized my coverage doesn’t really help.
Not in a deep, lasting way (reason #2).

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3/ When I say “responsibility is a trap,” I’m talking about a certain strain of interpersonal entanglement, when the spectre of someone else’s emergency makes their person seem more important than my own, and I lose myself.

What’s really strange is the idea that my well being depends on their wellbeing.
It’s like if I don’t keep them afloat, I’m going to drown.

It’s very confused thinking.
And the confusion is actually MY problem.
They have problems, but so do I (reason #3).

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What are some alternatives I’ve found to pry myself out of these responsibility traps?

• Generosity

  • when I give love and connection without needing their situation to change, it feels different

• Trust

  • let go and let god (very very challenging)

• Respect

  • I respect you enough to let you live your life (and make your own mistakes).

  • I respect myself enough to feel my own breathing.

• Wait and see

  • It’s okay to feel crazy, who knows what happens next?

• Learn to Rest

  • diligently quiet down

  • practice resting

  • resting lets me tune my own instrument

  • I want to make the best map of the territory I can, and to do that I need to be fresh

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That's all folks. If you enjoyed today's issue, please let me know. If you didn't, please let me know. I’m looking for a groove with my writing and this is a different angle than I’ve tried before, so I’m curious to hear how it lands.

Otherwise, see you next time — Ethan